I’m a huge fan of AsSeenOnTV.com, but I will admit, I have never seen this product advertised before. It is, in my opinion, the perfect gift for any redneck. What is it you ask? The Breath Alcohol Check. Yes, now you too can do your civic duty and ask people to breathe into a plastic tube to check their alcohol level. There is one major problem with this little gadget, though. It’s a one-time use only product. So, my calculations tell me that a majority of rednecks would need to purchase at least 30 and at $9.95 a pop we’re talking some major bucks. According to the item description,
Breath Alcohol Check takes the subjectivity out of the question, “Are you OK to drive?” Remember “Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive”.
Ever? I thought the correct phrase was, “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk?” But, according to the makers of The Breath Alcohol Check, we shouldn’t let friends drive at all. Period. End of story. And guess what? We can use their product as an excuse. Have a friend who drives like an old woman? Make her breathe into the little tube, convince her she’s been drinking and like magic- no more driving. Does your senile mother’s driving get on your last nerve? Break the tube and make her breathe. No more riding around hanging on to the dash-because remember, “Friends don’t let friends drive.”
I’m still debating whether or not most rednecks would be able to read the results, because after all, most don’t know their colors and since Yellow = Below .05% and Green or Aqua = At or above .05%, this might be a little confusing. They may think green means, “Go, keep chugging that beer,” and that yellow means, “whoa, big fella, slow down to two beers every 15 minutes.”
This morning I drove down to the trailer to take sheets out of the washer and dry them a bit so they wouldn’t sour and stink up my brand-spankin’ new humble abode. Since I don’t have the phone or cable connected yet, I haven’t stayed there, not to mention the fact I haven’t moved my clothes, makeup, tables, well you get the idea. If someone wants to come to WV and help me finish moving- I’d pay you, well, nothing, but you’d have the satisfaction of knowing you helped a redneck.
Anyway, on with the post. I pull into the drive when I see it. Sure, I’ve seen worse redneck antics. However I don’t think any made me laugh as hard as I did this morning. The house in front of where I live/will be living, purchased a blow-up pool yesterday. The kids, 3 of them, were “swimming” in the pool. Which hasn’t been inflated. It’s flat on the ground. They had a raft “floating” in the pool. The pool contains maybe 6 -12 inches of water. Oh, I’m forgetting two important details. One, they had pulled a kid’s slide over to the pool and, one of the kids? Is about 20 years old. She weighs about 200 pounds. She was attempting to slide down the slide and well, it fell over. Ok, part of me feels sorry for her. I know what it’s like to be overweight. But I damn sure would never try to fit my fat ass on a kid’s slide for the thrill of falling into 6 inches of water. Wouldn’t a shower have worked just as well?
Notice the link at the bottom of all posts. Instead of asking people to buy me a beer-I’m asking people to move me into a trailer. Yes, that’s right, a trailer. If I can come up with $700 this week I will be able to move out of this place and regain my sanity. All I need are 70 people to donate $10 a piece. That’s it. $10. I’m still working and writing sponsored posts, but I don’t get paid until next week and waiting 30 days to receive the money from posts, well, it’s too long to wait. I have set a new goal for myself starting today- to make no less than $50 per day on this blog. All of this will be used to pay utilities once I do move, saving my paycheck for rent, food and gas. So, how about it? If anyone can donate who knows how much money to those who really don’t need it, yet manage to convince people to donate for a freaking beer, I can at least find 70 people to help me move out, right? Pass this along- let your readers know..let people know I’m turning into white trash and need money to move into a redneck trailer. I need all the help I can get.
It has been close to 2 years and I still receive hits from freaks Googling, oprah camel toe, but I believe I have made significant progress in tracking down the reason behind the searches. I was browsing TMZ.com and to my surprise, and disgust, I stumbled upon this picture:
I’m confused. Is that a second toe? And what is with the hump on her big toe? First commandment for sandal wearing: “Thou shalt not wear sandals if thou has ugly feet.” A fairly simple rule to follow. Word to the wise- when searching for images on Google using the term, “ugly feet”- keep in mind you get what you ask for and more. I found these beauties to add to my collection of redneck pictures.
Duct tape now has 101 uses. If you’re out of band-aids, substitute with duct tape.
