First, do not make fun of my falling snow. If it bugs you, then well, visit this blog December 26th when the snow will be removed. I’m trying to get into the holiday spirit and snow helps. Somewhat. I’d prefer the real thing, but since it’s supposed to be sunny and 40 degrees tomorrow and Christmas Day, I won’t be getting my wish.
The other night, I decided to face Wal Mart because I had one last item to buy for my mom plus I needed shampoo, hairspray and feminine hygiene products. I decided 1am would be the best time-I figured most inbreds and rednecks would be home drunk by then and not out Christmas shopping. Oh, how wrong I was-not only were they out, but they had practically taken over the entire store. When you’re in West Virginia and you hear someone say, “What holler did they crawl out of,”-it’s bad. Really bad. And I kept repeating this phrase over and over to myself.
I’m the type of shopper, if I know what I want it’s my mission to go in, get it, pay for it and be done. This was my plan Friday night. I parked in the Stork Parking-I hit it lucky and since I’m fat-who the hell would know if I was preggers or not? No one. First part of my plan out of the way, (which was getting a good parking space, although I did wait 10 minutes for a woman to unload her goods into a huge van), I head inside. I say hi to the night-shift greeter, he doesn’t have any top front teeth, but he’s always nice and speaks to me, so I don’t hold that against him. (I swear to you I am telling the truth). I make a dash for the cheesy gifts section to look for the product my mom mentioned, (an electric/battery operated foot massager that heats up), grab it and head to the beauty department. Gather my stuff, (I’m going to start rolling my own tampons because they’re getting too expensive), and head to the checkout.
Apparently I gave off some sort of signal to every single redneck/inbred in the store that was heading to the front because a wave of people followed. If you have never seen a redneck/inbred stampede, let me tell you now- you will be scarred for life. I find what I assumed was the best lane, #11, because the carts of the 3000 people in front of me weren’t pile high with food. Ok, I was wrong. My plan was not working. I spent the next 35 minutes listening to two inbreds discuss hunting, if turkey or ham was better tastin’, if some uncle would like the miniature tackle box they bought him, (I swear I think it was a kid’s tackle box-that’s how small it was), and them laughing at a magazine cover with a half naked chick on it that said, “Good Sex: Holiday Style.” Some of you may ask, “Beth, how do you know these people were inbreds?” Quite simple to spot. Big ears, goofy smile and the look. Watch Deliverance and you’ll know what I mean. One other give-away, she needed to shave and he didn’t.
It doesn’t end here, people. Once they actually paid for their crap, they meet up with relatives/friends at the end of the lane and begin to talk. Or, should I say, yell. The relatives/friends were a couple, the woman about 400 pounds wearing pajama bottoms, what was once a white t-shirt and flip-flops. The man, maybe 150 pounds when wet and about 5ft tall, camo pants and again, what was once a white t-shirt. I was trapped. I managed to put most of my things on the belt, but the idiots would not move-until the cashier went nutso on them. Yes, that’s right, a Wal Mart cashier lost it briefly. I can’t make this stuff up and I wish I had a video camera I could pin on my shirt to record all of these moments. The inbred group finally moved, the cashier apologized to me, at which point I laughed and said, “It isn’t your fault,” and made it out the door safe. I learned my lesson- do not, under any circumstances, go to Wal Mart on a Friday night before Christmas. It’s a death wish. Oh, and the inbreds? I saw the couple I stood behind for over 30 minutes getting into a brand new Mustang. Welfare has been good to them.
Shopping With Inbreds.
Top 10 Redneck Christmas Gifts.
Christmas is a little over a week away, so I thought I would provide a list of the Top 10 Redneck Christmas Gifts for those of you who are last minute shoppers. When most think of rednecks, beer comes to mind. Sure, you can buy a few cases and satisfy any redneck-but why be one of those people, when you can purchase high-tech redneck items? Some you can even make yourself by simply going to the dollar store, while others may require special order-but hurry, you want these items in time for Christmas morning.
- The Redneck Grill-Rednecks love a good cook-out, there’s nothing like a little raccoon or possum cooked over an open flame. Why not buy your favorite redneck a grill? Ok, maybe not buy, but I’m sure you can find the tools necessary to build the one below:
- The Redneck Lawn Mower-Some rednecks prefer goats when it comes to lawn maintenance, but this little beauty will brighten any Christmas morning:
- The Redneck Barbie-We can’t forget all the good little redneck kiddies. Most little boy rednecks will entertain themselves with duct tape and sticks, but redneck girls? Give her a role model she can look at each day and say, “Hey, I wanna be just like her when I grow up.” (The doll is also known as Britney Spears)
- The Redneck Senior Scooter-We can’t forget our senior rednecks. As they age, riding the mule back and forth to the mailbox, or, pushing a cart in WalMart can become strenuous- the scooter below is for Granny, Granpappy’s comes with a black seat:
- The Redneck Entertainment Center-For the high-tech rednecks, this entertainment center will bring hours of fun. Sunday Nascar races, phone calls from bill collectors and writing to their favorite prison pen-pals while sitting on a comfortable seat:
- The Redneck Computer-This computer is for those rednecks who are not yet skilled in using high-end technology. Comes installed with Redneck Winders, however the mouse is optional. I suggest looking in the outhouse or barn and make sure the balls are clean.
- The Redneck Hunting Dog-As they say, a dog is man’s best friend. The Redneck Hunting Dog can not only shoot a gun, but run back to the house and tell Mom and Dad that Timmy is stuck in a cave:
- The Redneck Car Lock-Forget the bar across the steering wheel, this lock will make car thieves think twice before stealing a redneck’s car-although I’m not sure who would want to steal one to begin with:
- The Redneck Gift Basket-Since I mentioned beer, you can buy a gift basket full of a redneck’s favorite beer-which is usually Budweiser. Don’t buy some high-society foreign beer- you’ll only confuse them-bottles, or cans doesn’t matter either-they entertain themselves with both:
- Redneck Airbags-This gift is a two for one kind of deal. First, you have to find a redneck chick that looks like, well her. Then you have to force her to drive the redneck man around. What he does with her after he gets home is up to him-this gift is quite expensive due to this fact-monthly payments are involved as well as a case of beer and the gift basket listed above.
There you have it-the Top 10 Redneck Christmas Gifts for 2007. Never forget, rednecks are people too. Do not purchase sheep-just a friendly reminder.
Dreamin’ Of A White Trash Christmas.
As I sit here, cuddled up in my Hello Kitty blanket, watching The First 48 on A&E and listening to a thunderstorm since it’s 60 degrees outside, I can’t help but get into the spirit of Christmas. I have 7 more frog ornaments to glue together in order to finish my Christmas Frog Tree, but I do have the tree setting on the kitchen table at the window, because, well, all of the other trailers in the park are decked out. Rule number 44 of trailer park living: You must not be the last trailer decorated in the park, which goes along with rule number 52: All Christmas trimmings must come from either Wal Mart, Dollar General, or the Dollar Tree.
To be quite honest, although my tree is small, it’s quite charming with the little frogs, candy canes and packages adorning it’s branches. I went with multi-colored lights this year. Clear and white lights are boring. Besides, everyone else in this place decorated with clear lights-I wanted to be the rebel.
In order to get everyone in the mood, I found a Christmas Carol that will definitely be around for years to come. Enjoy.
Dreamin’ Of A White Trash Christmas
How I Almost Killed Santa.
I dragged myself out of bed a little before noon, having slept off my latest round of Nyquil/Sierra Mist shots, (yes I am still sick, barely have a voice and I swear if this cold is not gone soon I’ll overdose on Vick’s Vapor Rub), with the goal of going to the Dollar Tree to purchase a few mini-ornaments for my Charlie Brown Christmas tree. I quickly shower, throw some clothes on and head out. First, allow me to describe what I was wearing- an old navy blue tshirt with a lavender long-sleeve shirt underneath. My hair-clipped up in front with little hair clips. Attractive? Depends on who you ask. I’m only putting this on record because I could have ended up on the 6pm news. Why? I came close to killing Santa.
Some of you will ask, “Beth, how did you almost kill Santa?” Good question. I was driving along on the two-lane road in order to get to the 4-lane that goes north to south. In order to go North, you have to cross the Southbound lanes. Which I did and this is when I see Santa, running in front of me, trying to cross to the other side. Had it not been 12 hours since my last medicinal shot of 10% alcohol, I would have blamed the Nyquil. No, no, Santa was in front of my car and had I not hit my brakes, I would have sent him flying through the air without his reindeer. It seems this Santa was working for the Christmas Tree lot set up on the other side of the 4-lane. His ass high-tailed it across the Northbound lanes and started waving at cars. As if nothing had happened. I almost killed him and he continues being his typical jolly ol’ self. Does he not realize the impact this could have had on me? I would have been known as the fat chick, with wild hair who killed Santa. Not only would I have been scarred for life, but redneck children all over the world would have to rely on the guy pictured at the top and to the left, to deliver gifts. Come to think of it, the Santa I almost hit looked like that guy.
