I drove 15 miles to shop at a store my cousin deemed “clean with more of a selection.” Maybe it’s just me, but, normally the “IN” door is on the right-hand side. This store’s door was on the left. I almost killed myself before I even got through the door. I walk in and I see them. The rednecks. I think the entire redneck population of Southern West Virginia was there-and I am not making this up. The first item of interest were socks. In a pile next to notebook paper, pens, pencils-I’m assuming this is their version of back to school supplies. Because you know, every good redneck needs socks before pencils and paper. They also had a supply of bug spray a few spots down. I won’t ask why-personally I’m afraid to. So I walk around, trying to find the so called “large selection” and find nothing. Nothing that I would eat, anyway. No, I take that back. I did buy a bag of pretzels for 99 cents and a 2-liter of Sierra Mist for the same price. I stayed away from the meat- I think it was moving but this could have been the 1/2 mg of Xanax talking. I ended up buying one banana for the rats, 3 jars of baby food and 2 candles that were hell, 79 cents so I couldn’t pass that deal. While I was walking to the front to pay for my goods, I hear a guy say this-and I am quoting, “I told that guy the other guy was going to be killed and who was gunna (yes said this way) do it but he din’t (yes said this way) believe me. Them coal guards ain’t no one to mess with.” I knew this was my cue to hurry through the checkout. However, I couldn’t. A toothless woman, (who actually bought a shirt), was in front of me yapping away. I stood there. Waiting. Waiting. She then leaves and I go through the line. Trouble with the scales for one banana. Took 5 minutes to solve. I get through this fancy establishment-feeling like I needed a good scrubbing with anti-bacterial soap- and I run into the toothless woman. She’s parked next to me and finds it necessary to talk to me. About laughter. Of all things. She said, “It’s good to laugh, people don’t do enough of it.” I just shook my head and said yes, I agreed. All the while she was smiling and showing her half front tooth. I thought to myself as I drove away, “Well, lady, if you can be happy with half a front tooth, then we should all be happy.” I also came home and scrubbed my hands and arms with Dial soap.
What Rednecks Do On A Friday Night.
I would tell you, but, you’d only laugh. Ok, so I’ll spill it. A friend and I got it in our heads that we’d go dumpster diving. For those of you who have never had the pleasure of participating in this activity-it usually involves sneaking behind stores after closing and digging through the garbage in the dumpsters. However, we didn’t dig. We were too grossed out-we did hit the jackpot at Office Max though. Two, yes TWO very nice binders for filing were right smack on top-these things usually cost, what? Maybe $10-$15? NOTHING was wrong with either. Just a little dusty. I’m not sure what the hell I’m going to file in it but hey-it was free. Oh, did I mention that dumpster diving is illegal? I called a cousin of mine-her and her boyfriend have found tons of items while doing this little redneck activity-even a computer desk that was in perfect condition-with the exception of a few small scratches. She said Tuesdays were the best nights to go. Hey-if they’re throwing it away-whatever the item is will only end up in a landfill. Anyway, no luck at other places-we were so hoping Bath and Body works and Pier One would have some goodies but both dumpsters were empty. I also pawned all of my Seinfeld DVDs- $40 for $200 worth-Seasons 1-6. I hated to do this because I adored those DVDs, but I had no choice. My friend pawned gold jewelry and ended up with $75 which pissed me off because I need money. She has a job. Although she didn’t get a paycheck because she was off “sick” for 2 weeks. I don’t have any jewelry to pawn. I mean I have jewelry but nothing of any value. If I owned a lawn mower or weed whacker I’d be in business. And since I haven’t been to bed-that’s exactly where I’m headed.
Redneck Couple Of The Year.
I kind of feel bad for posting this-but not too bad. Received most of the wedding pictures in an e-mail-but this my friends, is my choice for redneck Bride and Groom of the YEAR!
A Bus-Load Of Mini-Rednecks.
No, not midget rednecks-although that would make for a great post, I mean the offspring of rednecks. Three school busses loaded with the critters. I was coming back from my mother’s house, (we had the redneck cookout on the hill behind the house, because, well, hell it’s summer and it’s a sin to eat in the house), and I stopped at a convenience store to purchase cigarettes, condoms and gum, cause ya never know when I’m gonna get lucky. At any rate, these little critters were running everywhere. Paying no attention to where they were going, or, who, or, what they were running into. How did I know the critters were redneck offspring? Because the name of the county splashed on the side of the bus. It’s a redneck county. The entire county. I almost hit a few on the way out of the parking lot. Even with the glow in the dark necklaces shining from their necks.
After eating this evening we were sitting on the porch, because that’s what we do after we eat, and my pretend aunt’s husband farted. Extremely loud. He said, “Ya hear that bullfrog?” I said, “Yeah, crawled right up your ass didn’t it?” Needless to say I cracked myself up.
