According to my local, late shift, convenience store employee, the government may be watching us via the new digital television requirements. The conversation started innocent enough- she was telling me about a drug bust in the parking lot earlier in the evening and the topic changed to spying. Yes, I have the gift. The gift of people I don’t know, telling me their life stories, or, things so outrageous, most people would call the mental health ward. And I’m kind enough to listen, without cracking a smile.

You have no idea how hard this is to do, especially after hearing her explanation.

Cashier: “I think that’s what they’re doin’ with that new digital television requirement- keeping track of us.”
Me: Nodding my head, squeezing my mouth so tight, my dimples are bursting.
Cashier: “I can be sittin’ there and all of a sudden these little pictures within a picture will pop up-with squiggly lines. Makes ya wonder dudn’t it?”
Me: “Oh yeah, it does.” (Wanting to tell her maybe it’s not freaking hooked up correctly)
Cashier: “And here I’ve walked ’round the house nekkid. I know this guy who works for Verizon- said they wire yer house and hear what’s goin’ on even if yer not on the phone.”
Me: “Well, now, that’s really scary. I talk to myself all the time.” (Hoping this would make her feel more sane)


Thankfully, a customer walks in and I end the conversation with a, “have a good one.”

Now, if the US government is watching us through our televisions, this means, since I have satellite, I’ve been beamed all over the world-and probably given a heck of a show. I’m thinking compensation is in order. Me, sitting on my couch, half naked, putting on my makeup while watching TV-pure entertainment. I want my government issued check.

I have finally, after 2 years, figured out how I want my house to look. I’ve struggled between contemporary and country chic. But-my freaking ingenious mind came up with a better solution-Redneck Style. First room- the kitchen. What do kitchens need? A place to hang cookware and if I can get the tail stiff enough, and I can find 3 additional, uh, unfortunate road-kills, I’d like to introduce to you, my squirrel cookware hanger:

Tune in next week when I introduce the possum coat-rack.

It’s amazing what one finds when doing image searches-I had a completely different story in mind, but found the squirrel. I didn’t kill it, so back off PETA.