When Will I Ever Need To Know The Answer To x+y=?

Beth February 27 2009 For The Tweeters, Life As I Know It, My Geeky Side 6 Comments

$Math-The Square Root of All Evil$

Math-The Square Root of All Evil

It’s no secret: I abhor math. When I was little, age 3, or so, in order to get to sleep at night I would force my poor mother to, “do math,” with me, addition, subtraction and yes, even a little multiplication. Until my Sophomore year of high school, I enjoyed the subject. Then, Mr. Hundley, the world’s worst teacher, entered my life. On the first day of Geometry class, he said, and I am quoting, “Over half of the girls in this class will fail, because girls can’t do math.” Great way to encourage anyone. He intimidated me, so I did have a little trouble, but luckily I had my dad to help. But, later that Fall, my dad passed away. My in-home Geometry tutor was gone and Mr. Hundley knew it-not only did he pick on me in class, but after I returned to school, he refused to allow me to make-up any work. (Until the Principal stepped in). From this point forward, anxiety set in any time mathematics was involved.

Sure, most of you are saying, “Beth, why in the hell are you discussing math?” Because, tomorrow at 9am, I again have to prove I’m intelligent by taking an exam. Math is involved. The exam does not guarantee a job-I have to take it in order to be considered for classes which would lead to a job. In a hospital, pulling patient charts and answering the phones. Tell me- how does knowing the answer to x+y= prove I can answer a phone? I’m literally pulling my hair out-ok the white hairs, but I really need to pass the test. I’ve studied, but retaining the information has proved difficult. I have an IQ of 143 and I’m worried about freaking x+y.

If I don’t blog for a few days, you’ll know why. I’ll be the one at the drive-thru window at McDonald’s asking if you’d like to try a latte.

Blog Of The Week: The Red Stapler Chronicles.

Beth February 23 2009 Blogging 4 Comments

The Red Stapler Chronicles

Those of us who have worked in an office and have seen the movie Office Space, remember the quote by Milton, the disgruntled worker who, upset over the constant moving of his desk and the switch in staplers, “I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it’s not okay because if they take my stapler then I’ll set the building on fire.” Ok, I really doubt Kevin, the blogger behind The Red Stapler Chronicles would go that far, but he does provide interesting commentary from blogging, stupidity (there is never enough stupidity to go around) and making money online.

My personal favorite post, An Idiot’s Guide to Fix the Economy, lists 8 ways the US government could put a big dent in the current economic woes. Read the post, especially number 8-Kevin, I think if we’re to export Baywatch- we could out-right sell David Hasselhoff to Germany for 50 million. Add it to your list.

Not only is The Red Stapler Chronicles informative, but it’s entertaining as well. I enjoy wit, especially when it comes to serious subjects many find difficult to laugh at, such as the economy and the recession. His post, The 12 Days of Christmas During a Recession, was featured as the editor’s pick in the 180th Carnival of Personal Finance. Although he discusses how to make money online, the blog is not the typical in your face, I am an expert, you are not, read. Refreshing to see in a blogging world which has changed from sharing with readers, to telling readers what to, or, not to do on a plethora of topics. This is one blog you’ll add to your feed reader.

My Superstition: Red Bic Lighters-The Root Of All Evil.

Beth February 20 2009 For The Tweeters, Humor, Life As I Know It 3 Comments

The Evil Red Bic Lighter

I’m thoroughly convinced the red Bic lighter my mom found in my car a few days ago, has been the source of, dare I say, the absence of luck in my life, for who knows how long. I never purchase red lighters. Especially red, Bic lighters, because all good little rednecks know, this tube of flammable liquid is the root of all evil. I was warned years ago by a cousin and I refuse to even touch one.

Mom: Is this your lighter? (She’s always losing lighters)
Me: (Upon seeing the color) Jesus! No, take it.
Mom: Oh good grief, you’re not like, (insert unknown Kohl’s employee name here), are you? He won’t even touch a red lighter.
Me: Yes, I am- now take the lighter and slowly back away. Now I know why my life has been crap lately. I don’t know where the lighter came from- it’s a conspiracy.
Mom: You really need help.
Me: Ya think?

Yes, I am superstitious when it comes to certain things. If I forget and walk under a ladder, you can bet your sweet ass I’m walking right back through and going around. A black cat runs in front of my car? I freak. Once, years ago, a friend and I were out driving, a black kitty ran across the road and I swear- I turned around and went home. God forbid a bird swoops its way into the house, or pecks at a window. It’s happened and I’ve waited for bad luck. Friday the 13th comes around? If I had it my way, I’d lock myself in the house and not move.

Come to think of it, since ridding myself of the red Bic, my luck hasn’t changed. Maybe I should light a few candles, burn some incense and chant a red lighter mantra. Or, stick a Buckeye in my pocket.

Why Erectile Dysfunction Drugs Make Me Giggle.

Beth February 16 2009 Humor 5 Comments

Milk, Bones, Anyone?

The spammers are going to love this post due to the subject matter. But, the way I see it, I have never discussed erectile dysfunction before and yet every day, I receive at least 4-8 comments with the keywords. Remember- I’ll delete your comment if you try to name yourself Erectile…etc.

Ok, why do erectile dysfunction drugs make me giggle? I know the problem isn’t a laughing matter-and it isn’t the drugs, nor the, uh, condition that makes me laugh-the possible side effects do, though. I’m a late night television watcher, which is when 99.9% of these commercials are shown. As I was sitting here one night, bored, pondering life and its meaning, one such commercial interrupted my thoughts. (Side note- ever notice how the advertisements show happy men, playing golf and fishing- sort of like the male version of Summer’s Eve commercials, where women are running on a beach after conquering that “not so fresh” feeling?) I watched, I listened and what caught my attention? “Use of this drug may cause a runny, or stuffy nose.”

Let me get this straight, pun intended. A man takes a drug to assist him in waking up Mr. Lucky, but he may have a dripping, stopped up nose in the process? Picture this: I’m on a date and the guy keeps sniffing. Not that dating was already difficult, I now have to piece together possible erectile drug side effects, or, a guy with horrible allergies. This alone forces me to reconsider sleeping with a guy on the first date-which I don’t do, thank you very much. But, for curiosities sake and of course research, let’s say I decided to take the plunge. Romantic, candle-lit room, rose petals scattered across the bed, soft music. The moment is near, we’re kissing, caressing and then it happens.

For The Man Sniffles

Drip. Drip. Drip.

From the wrong end.

Yes, bodily fluids are involved while having, uh, relations, but a nose full of snot isn’t what I consider a turn-on.

“Honey, let me on top, your nose is dripping on my chest.”

Romantic? I think not. I know the old saying, “Judge the size of a man’s penis by the size of his nose, (or hands, or feet and trust me-so not true),” but what is the connection, physically, with a man’s nose and his penis? And God Forbid the dude ends up with an erection lasting longer than 4 hours, because it would be my ass driving him to the ER-at which point, I’d wish him luck, hand him a tissue-for his nose and watch him hobble his way to the triage nurse.

Maybe I should dismiss dating and adopt a dog.