We all know, as parents age, the role reversals begin. My mother used to yell at me if I said the word fart. The word was a huge no, no in our house. So, you can imagine my surprise, (and horrid mental image), when my now 63 year old mommy said “hard-on” while discussing something a few months back and laughing as the words rolled off her tongue. I don’t get speechless often, ok, never, but I hadn’t a clue as to what to say. I did what I usually do- I raised my right eyebrow and said, “Oh, good Lord.” I then stuck a finger in each ear and muttered, “Lalalala.” Isn’t there an unwritten rule for this type of situation? I had no brother, or sister to call and say, “Guess what word mom used today?” Long before this, however, I learned to cope with being the only child of a single parent-and let me say- it is far from easy.

On we go to my list of coping mechanisms if you, like me, have an aging, (I call her a senior, it doesn’t bother her since she really doesn’t look, nor act her age), parent and you are an only child. Remember-these have not been scientifically researched, proceed with caution.

1. Prozac. Lots and lots of Prozac. Get the 3-month supply plan at Wal-Mart- you’ll save $2.
2. Lots and lots of Xanax. Trust me- if you go to the same doctor as your parent he’ll know when it’s time for a new prescription. These come in handy when you’ve asked if your mother or father has mailed something extremely important and they tell you-and yes I am quoting my mother from earlier today, “It’s been taken care of,” only to find out later that evening, no it hadn’t been taken care of because the damn UPS prepaid envelope is occupying space on the passenger seat of the car. Quickly return indoors and take one. Or three.
3. “Adopt” another relative to be your designated sibling. Trust me- ask my cousin, Mark. Then again, don’t-I think he’s unaware of what I got him into.
4. Put an ad in the classifieds of your local paper. “For sale or trade. 63-year old mother who is addicted to Diet Coke, McDonald’s biscuits and Hostess Chocolate Cupcakes. Keeps all remnants of said items in car. Cash only, or trade for a new television.”
5. Liquor. I don’t drink, but if you don’t want to go through the hassle of shrinks and medications-drinking is your alternative.
6. Remind her that her best friend is a nursing home administrator, thus the admissions process would be expedited.

*The above is meant in jest and my way of coping, through a little humor, with issues in real life. If you so happen to be a relative of mine and you’re reading this-because I know some of you do, I’m not a bad daughter. I love my mother more than anything in this world and we’ve made it this far on our own. This was not a moment of the “only child syndrome.”*