There was a time, not too long ago, that I considered myself a “high-class” redneck. I have no tires, or car parts in my yard, I don’t wear camo and although I think a few NASCAR drivers are cute, I don’t consider it a religion. Tonight, or shall I say earlier this morning, I did something to lower my high-class status. I went to WalMart wearing pajama bottoms and a sweatshirt.
What is so funny about the whole thing is the fact I emailed someone earlier about people going to WalMart in pajamas. But, I had no choice. Ok, wait, I did have a choice but at the time I was so miserable I didn’t care what I was wearing. See, I’ve been going to the tanning bed a few days a week. My mother and I split a package, yadda, yadda, yadda and while I’ve always been one to tan fast, for some reason I’m breaking out in hives. This isn’t the first time, the last time I was in a tanning bed, which was close to 4 years ago, the same thing happened, (and before any of you give me the “tanning beds are dangerous speech,” yes, I know, we’re all going to die from something and I might as well have a tan), and after a few visits the hives disappeared. Not this time. My stomach, back and legs are covered in itchy patches not unlike poison ivy. I bought calamine lotion at the dollar store, to no avail, and when I decided I needed Benedryl spray and hydrocortisone cream, I was covered in pink, dried calamine and wasn’t about to shower. This is where WalMart comes in-I swear to you it’s a cult. I heard a voice saying, “It’s just WalMart, who’s going to see you at 2am wearing blue pajama pants and a gray sweatshirt covered in pink goo?” WalMart has finally taken over my soul. I knew I had been there too many times, but for the life of me I never thought I’d go in my pajamas-after making fun of so many others. So, today, I shall sacrifice a John Deere cap, a bag of chewing tobacco and a case of Budweiser in the hopes the redneck Gods give me my high-class status back. If not-the next time I enter that forsaken place, I’ll be wearing flip-flops, spandex and a tank top.
WalMart Lowered My Redneck Status.
I’m Going To Exploit Stupid People.
This is going to be a short post, because at the moment, only a few things truly amaze me, one being the amount of stupid people being allowed out in public. How difficult is it to not be stupid? Is this an inherited trait, or, do you gradually, over time, allow the magic stupidity dust flow into your brain? (For the really stupid, I’m sure they believe there is such a thing as magic stupidity dust, maybe I should market it, bottle glitter and sell it, I’d make a killing). Hold on, I’m on to something, let me go write this down as my next marketing ploy. I’ve moved from rednecks to stupid people.
Fat Women Shouldn’t Wear Flowers.
Being a chunky, cute, chick, it’s difficult to find clothing that is fashionable and flattering. The chunky chick has been forgotten by the design world, tossed aside to forever wear flower-print blouses, Disney character t-shirts and God forbid, spandex. Trust me, I live in a state full of women who have no fashion sense at all. Now, this isn’t to say I’m a fashionable chunky chick. Jeans and t-shirts are perfectly fine with me. But for the love of Hostess Cupcakes, fat women shouldn’t wear flowers, or Disney Character shirts.
It isn’t easy being chunky. We have the stereotype of being lazy pigs who worship the refrigerator, but this isn’t the point. Why in the hell do clothing designers assume fat women want to be so noticeable in a crowd. Take, for instance, the blouse to the right. It screams, “I am fat. Look at my love handles and fat rolls.” My mother bought a blouse for me several months ago, sheer, black, with gigantic blue flowers, of an unknown type, plastered all over the material. She also purchased a sleeveless, “shell shirt,” to wear under it, saying, “This will slim you.” No, only a diet or being bound in duct tape from the stomach down will “slim” me. The last thing I need is for the shirt to be sheer-I’m trying to hide my chunky stomach, not put it on display. Yes, the shirt is hanging in my closet, tags still attached.
Another chunky chick peeve of mine- the Disney Character t-shirt, which, for some reason, is almost always Eeyore. Why Eeyore? Because he’s sad? Because he’s fat? And why a character t-shirt? Ok, I’ll admit, I have a Hello Kitty t-shirt. But it’s Hello Kitty, not Eeyore. Eeyore is for women who haven’t a clue as to what to wear and is usually paired with black spandex bottoms of some type- another huge, no pun intended, no, no. Fat chicks, listen up. Do not wear spandex unless you’re wearing the savior of my wardrobe, stretchy jeans. Spandex only proves you have no fashion smarts, not to mention it shows every fat dimple and roll. If you’re low on cash-spandex workout, (rolling my eyes at the workout part), pants are not the answer. Buy a nice pair of stretchy jeans and wash them over and over until they fall apart. That’s when they become comfortable.
Why did I write this post? Because I’m sick of thin women. There. I said it. You can wear flower-prints and look cute. I wear flower prints and I have to wave my arms in the air to keep the bees and humming birds from pecking at me. You wear some type of cartoon character t-shirt and people think you’re adorable. I do it and people say, “Aww, she has nothing to wear.” Oh, and if any designers are reading this post- not all fat chicks are 5′11 and wear a size 10 shoe. I’m 5′5 and wear a size 7 shoe. Stop making slacks and jeans in which I have to cut off 6 inches, or I drag the ground like a monster from a horror movie. And don’t get me started on lacy, boy-cut, cutesy panties that are supposedly made for fat chicks but only roll down every 3 minutes. I’ll blow a gasket.
Vat19.com: Gifts That May Look Silly, But Are Functional-And Fun.
As most people know, I collect frogs. I never intended to start the collection-it happened back in 1999 when I moved into an apartment and for some reason, the conclusion of myself and my friends-frogs were the answer for the decorating needs in the bathroom. I don’t have a huge collection, maybe 30 some odd frogs, both stuffed, ceramic and well, a shower curtain and tattoo. Not too obsessive. Ok, the tattoo may be a little eccentric, but, hey, it could have been worse.
The review I am providing on several products has nothing to do with free items, or the fact I was even asked to do a review: this is how I repay an advertiser I have written about in the past, who has contributed comments, not to get a backlink, but has participated with relevant input and not tried to spam my blog. This is what is expected of any person commenting on a blog. Participate, be relevant with your comments and you’re fine.
I know the products may seem quirky to some, but Vat19.com is about fun, but functional products. Take the frog bottle opener, for instance. I don’t drink anything which would require a normal bottle opener, however, this little gadget, ok frog, is functional. Ever have a heck of a time opening a 20-liter bottle of soda? Look at the hind legs-the ridges grab on to the lid and twist it right off-and yes it does work. I have it hanging on my fridge from a magnet, (it would be great if this was a magnet too). See, it’s all about functionality and cuteness.
Ah, yes. The frog tape dispenser. But look at it-cute, functional and the tape rolls off the frog’s tongue. I have it setting proudly on my desk, although at the moment I’ve yet to have a need for tape. I don’t care. It’s a frog, it’s me and it’s a conversation piece. Need I say more?
Last, but not least, my favorite item. I thought the tape dispenser would be my favorite, until I found another use for the frog potholder. Made from silicone, the potholder can withstand heat up to 446F and is dishwasher save. Slide your hand into the back of the head and the mouth opens, like a puppet. Inside the mouth are grips, so nothing will slide out of your hand. Two things I should mention about the product. When my mom tried it on, she loved it. She’s left handed and has always had to use a right-handed oven-mitt. We’ve never found a mitt for left handed people, but with the frog mitt, it felt comfortable since it will fit either hand. The one thing I didn’t expect to use the mitt for-of all things, gripping a jar of Ragu. I was making pasta the other evening and for the life of me I could not open the jar. I did the usual, run hot water over the lid, bang on the lid with a knife, almost tossed it across the room, until I remembered the frog oven mitt. The grips on the inside of the mouth, combined with the silicone, opened the jar with ease-mark this down as one more use for my little froggie mitt.
I enjoyed trying out all 3 products and really appreciated the chance to do so. Vat19.com has something for everyone, from office gear to items for the car. If you have someone in your life who has everything and you need a gift-this is one site to visit. Sometimes people like to receive a gift that’s a little out of the norm-even a box of frogs.
