How This Single Woman Does Not Pleasure Herself. (Or, Save The Dolphins).
**While the post itself will be safe for work, the picture is questionable. If you are reading this from your work computer and you are questioned later about the picture, tell the IT department and your boss- that it’s a pool toy.**
Picture it if you will, or not, the year is 2000. A friend of mine talks me into purchasing a, uh, device. Why I bought the damn thing I’ll never know-considering I paid almost $50, I mean I could have picked up any eligible redneck man for free. To make matters worse, I was living with my mother at the time and I had to keep watch for the UPS truck, praying she wouldn’t be home when the package arrived. It was embarrassing enough going to the website to actually pick one out- I can’t imagine the conversation, had my mother, the very mother who needed another cup of coffee when I said the phrase, “blow job,” if she knew my little secret. The secret. 7 inches of semi-flexible rubber I had ordered to replace a man. Or, so I thought, until it arrived.
I came in from work that day to see a plain, brown box, marked “fragile.”
“Fragile?” I asked myself, thinking back to what I had ordered and knew it wasn’t made of glass.
I grabbed the box, made a mad dash up 2 flights of stairs to my little apartment within the house, sat on my bed and opened it. I stared. For about 5 minutes. The “product” in the box-wasn’t what I expected. Why, you ask?
Because it was blue.
I began to laugh hysterically, all the while thinking, “I’m supposed to do that with that?” In other words, I was supposed to pleasure myself with, what I deemed, The Smurf.
The friend who talked me into this $50 pleasure device came over one evening and asked if it had came, (please, no pun intended). I told her yes and she wanted to see it.
“You want to see it? Why?”
“I’m just curious is all.”
Then we giggle like two school girls who had been caught passing notes in class. I open the drawer to my vanity, where I had “it” covered with socks. It was still in the box-yes I had opened it, but I couldn’t bring myself to do anything else. I mean-well it was blue.
(Insert overly hysterical laughter here, because this is all my friend could do).
“Why did you pick a blue one?”
“I didn’t, I thought I picked out a flesh colored one, but this came instead.”
(Insert more hysterical laughter).
Needless to say, The Smurf was never used. In fact, when I moved several years ago, I completely forgot about it even being in the vanity. The vanity stayed at my mother’s house-even after my cousin and her husband moved in to take care of things. When I moved back in and started going through odds and ends, I remembered it. I checked the drawer- it was gone. This is where I don’t wanna know and I sure as hell will never ask.
I decided to do a search for blue “devices” this morning-and found the Dolphin. I thought The Smurf was bad- but a dolphin? Would I be doing my part in saving the creatures of the ocean if I bought it? I love animals- but not that much.
I’ll be honest, they do scare me. My ex had one with more knobs on it than a boeing 737 dashboard.
She swore by it (as in a “yeah, it’s really good”, not in a “OH GOD YES!!” way), but she was a little odd…
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Funny! I want to know who disposed of it and how–that’s always the tricky part.
BTW, “Oh God Yes” = The Rock Chick. I don’t know if it comes in blue, but if used properly, you don’t care.
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Rhys: lol- I didn’t mention in the post I also ordered another one at the same time. It was an “OMG I am running away from this thing because it scares me,” kinda device. I told Tammy, my friend that I would run from a live one that size too.
Deb: lol- a woman I worked with when I worked for the state and I went to a “sex shop” for giggles one evening. I don’t remember seeing one named “The Rock Chick,” but we saw a few with the strangest names. And those one could put on her/his key chain. I can imagine leaving my car with a mechanic and handing over the keys with one of those dangling off of it.
What is wrong with it being blue? You wouldn’t believe the color of some things I stick in my ass…
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lol – Comment of the Year.
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**Takes a screen shot for future blackmail purposes**
Oh, the protection of dolphins, I will be happy to You.
Dont knock it till you’ve tried it. Back in the 20’s vibrators were perscribed by doctors to help women with their “Female hysteria” as it was known.
As long as you are taking care of yourself, it doesnt matter if its blue, green or shaped like a Ford Taurus. Its not anything to be ashamed about and its this very thing that is the problem with our society. We’ve been raised by Puritan ethics to believe its naughty. Its time to break with those out-dated notions and explore yourself.
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Judge: I wasn’t knocking anything-pun not intended. It was merely a humorous take on something that happened to me several years ago. As for it being shaped like a Ford Taurus- I’d run from that too.
I prefer The Angry Badger to the Docile Dolphin although connecting it to a car battery can be a hassle.
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Jason I have a handbook on how to properly connect one to a car battery without risking injury. Us rednecks are great with connecting anything to car batteries.
ROTFLMBO! Oh my gosh! I went with a friend to buy some things for her bachelorette party.. she got a penguin.. poor thing died.. but it brought us lots of giggles just buying it! hee Hilarious post!
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I’ll take the dolphin over the redneck any day!
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I can remember going to New Orleans as a very young adult (freshly married out of a small, Bible-belt town) and going in one of those ‘toy’ shops. Laughed at some of the items, bought a few others, and couldn’t figure out what the hell some of them were for!!!
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LMAO!!!!!!!!!!
TOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!
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