**While the post itself will be safe for work, the picture is questionable. If you are reading this from your work computer and you are questioned later about the picture, tell the IT department and your boss- that it’s a pool toy.**

Picture it if you will, or not, the year is 2000. A friend of mine talks me into purchasing a, uh, device. Why I bought the damn thing I’ll never know-considering I paid almost $50, I mean I could have picked up any eligible redneck man for free. To make matters worse, I was living with my mother at the time and I had to keep watch for the UPS truck, praying she wouldn’t be home when the package arrived. It was embarrassing enough going to the website to actually pick one out- I can’t imagine the conversation, had my mother, the very mother who needed another cup of coffee when I said the phrase, “blow job,” if she knew my little secret. The secret. 7 inches of semi-flexible rubber I had ordered to replace a man. Or, so I thought, until it arrived.

I came in from work that day to see a plain, brown box, marked “fragile.”

“Fragile?” I asked myself, thinking back to what I had ordered and knew it wasn’t made of glass.

I grabbed the box, made a mad dash up 2 flights of stairs to my little apartment within the house, sat on my bed and opened it. I stared. For about 5 minutes. The “product” in the box-wasn’t what I expected. Why, you ask?

Because it was blue.

I began to laugh hysterically, all the while thinking, “I’m supposed to do that with that?” In other words, I was supposed to pleasure myself with, what I deemed, The Smurf.

The friend who talked me into this $50 pleasure device came over one evening and asked if it had came, (please, no pun intended). I told her yes and she wanted to see it.

“You want to see it? Why?”

“I’m just curious is all.”

Then we giggle like two school girls who had been caught passing notes in class. I open the drawer to my vanity, where I had “it” covered with socks. It was still in the box-yes I had opened it, but I couldn’t bring myself to do anything else. I mean-well it was blue.

(Insert overly hysterical laughter here, because this is all my friend could do).

“Why did you pick a blue one?”

“I didn’t, I thought I picked out a flesh colored one, but this came instead.”
(Insert more hysterical laughter).

Needless to say, The Smurf was never used. In fact, when I moved several years ago, I completely forgot about it even being in the vanity. The vanity stayed at my mother’s house-even after my cousin and her husband moved in to take care of things. When I moved back in and started going through odds and ends, I remembered it. I checked the drawer- it was gone. This is where I don’t wanna know and I sure as hell will never ask.

I decided to do a search for blue “devices” this morning-and found the Dolphin. I thought The Smurf was bad- but a dolphin? Would I be doing my part in saving the creatures of the ocean if I bought it? I love animals- but not that much.