First, do not make fun of my falling snow. If it bugs you, then well, visit this blog December 26th when the snow will be removed. I’m trying to get into the holiday spirit and snow helps. Somewhat. I’d prefer the real thing, but since it’s supposed to be sunny and 40 degrees tomorrow and Christmas Day, I won’t be getting my wish.

The other night, I decided to face Wal Mart because I had one last item to buy for my mom plus I needed shampoo, hairspray and feminine hygiene products. I decided 1am would be the best time-I figured most inbreds and rednecks would be home drunk by then and not out Christmas shopping. Oh, how wrong I was-not only were they out, but they had practically taken over the entire store. When you’re in West Virginia and you hear someone say, “What holler did they crawl out of,”-it’s bad. Really bad. And I kept repeating this phrase over and over to myself.

I’m the type of shopper, if I know what I want it’s my mission to go in, get it, pay for it and be done. This was my plan Friday night. I parked in the Stork Parking-I hit it lucky and since I’m fat-who the hell would know if I was preggers or not? No one. First part of my plan out of the way, (which was getting a good parking space, although I did wait 10 minutes for a woman to unload her goods into a huge van), I head inside. I say hi to the night-shift greeter, he doesn’t have any top front teeth, but he’s always nice and speaks to me, so I don’t hold that against him. (I swear to you I am telling the truth). I make a dash for the cheesy gifts section to look for the product my mom mentioned, (an electric/battery operated foot massager that heats up), grab it and head to the beauty department. Gather my stuff, (I’m going to start rolling my own tampons because they’re getting too expensive), and head to the checkout.

Apparently I gave off some sort of signal to every single redneck/inbred in the store that was heading to the front because a wave of people followed. If you have never seen a redneck/inbred stampede, let me tell you now- you will be scarred for life. I find what I assumed was the best lane, #11, because the carts of the 3000 people in front of me weren’t pile high with food. Ok, I was wrong. My plan was not working. I spent the next 35 minutes listening to two inbreds discuss hunting, if turkey or ham was better tastin’, if some uncle would like the miniature tackle box they bought him, (I swear I think it was a kid’s tackle box-that’s how small it was), and them laughing at a magazine cover with a half naked chick on it that said, “Good Sex: Holiday Style.” Some of you may ask, “Beth, how do you know these people were inbreds?” Quite simple to spot. Big ears, goofy smile and the look. Watch Deliverance and you’ll know what I mean. One other give-away, she needed to shave and he didn’t.

It doesn’t end here, people. Once they actually paid for their crap, they meet up with relatives/friends at the end of the lane and begin to talk. Or, should I say, yell. The relatives/friends were a couple, the woman about 400 pounds wearing pajama bottoms, what was once a white t-shirt and flip-flops. The man, maybe 150 pounds when wet and about 5ft tall, camo pants and again, what was once a white t-shirt. I was trapped. I managed to put most of my things on the belt, but the idiots would not move-until the cashier went nutso on them. Yes, that’s right, a Wal Mart cashier lost it briefly. I can’t make this stuff up and I wish I had a video camera I could pin on my shirt to record all of these moments. The inbred group finally moved, the cashier apologized to me, at which point I laughed and said, “It isn’t your fault,” and made it out the door safe. I learned my lesson- do not, under any circumstances, go to Wal Mart on a Friday night before Christmas. It’s a death wish. Oh, and the inbreds? I saw the couple I stood behind for over 30 minutes getting into a brand new Mustang. Welfare has been good to them.