Job Interviews, Anxiety-And Where Do I Fit In?
I have two job interviews scheduled for today, one at 10am, the other at 1:30pm. I don’t have myself properly mentally prepared-I’ve been through rejection so much in the last several years it’s becoming second nature to expect it. I know I have what it takes for either job. Convincing the persons interviewing me is the hard part.
When I was younger it seemed everything was easy for me. I made good grades, had a lot of friends and for the most part I was happy. No one ever said life was a walk in the park, but sometimes I wonder-when can I at least get to the picnic tables? I have horrible panic attacks because of all the stress I have been through in the last 19+ years. I have never coped with stress or changing situations well- and the job situation certainly hasn’t helped. Not to mention having my mother living here, not having my own space, constant arguing, it’s taking its toll. This is why I need a job which will give me the financial boost I need to move out. I think once I do I can get myself back on track.
The other day I logged into the MySpace account I have- I never use it, in fact I hadn’t logged in since February. My cousin had sent me a message telling me she had found two of our other cousins- neither of whom I know, (long story). I started looking through her friends section and saw two of our other cousins, (females, the other two are dudes), and I suddenly felt so left out. The cousin who sent me the message and one of my other cousins both have two kids each. Apparently they have gotten together in the past few months and well, I wasn’t made aware of it. (One lives out of state). I then saw pictures from her little boy’s birthday party, which, I wasn’t invited to. That hurt. Out of all my relatives I was closer to her than anyone. I witnessed the birth of her second little boy for crying out loud. She had emailed me through my blog a while back asking me if I was alive. I told her some of my situation-no reply. No phone call saying, “Hey, do you need to talk?” I would have given her that courtesy. I may not have all the answers but I do listen well.
Everything I’ve written above made me think. Where do I fit in? What exactly am I supposed to do in this little thing called life? I feel like it’s a never-ending episode of me caring for others and their feelings, when, I have no one to do the same for me. Is that my fault? Should I also be selfish and think only of myself?
I had two people contact me and say they loved the blog, but they wished I would be a little more personal. I have reasons as to why I avoid extremely personal subjects, but, the above, is a little piece of me. It isn’t meant as a pity post. It’s to show some of you that yes, I in fact have feelings, that I’m not a total bitch and- don’t judge a person until you have walked in her shoes. You may be surprised at how much you have in common.
I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but at least I can wish you good luck on the interviews today.
Oh, good luck on the interviews!
Most people can’t understand a panic attack unless they have had one. I tried explaining it but it’s useless. You feel weak and stupid. As for family…hell you should meet mine. On second thought maybe not! Your purpose??? Good one. I try not to dwell on it and just assume that I am doing whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing and hopefully getting something right along the way. Pity party? I think we all get disillusioned from time to time. You have a lot to be proud of. You’ve done a wonderful job with this blog and you have a great sense of humor. Take care and Good Luck with the job interviews!
Best of luck with the job interviews, you can do it! It’s hard to face disappointment after disappointment, but it seems like you’re doing the right things to get yourself back on track. Many times people just give up and you are still fighting, well done! I believe that you will get to where you want to be.
One thing I have noticed is that people have a distorted view of how well they are doing and others are doing in comparison. People tend to think other people don’t don’t have panic attacks or that other people are close to their cousins. I have relatives I hardly speak to. We get along and nobody is mad but we just don’t touch base hardly ever. Most people feel insecure about something so don’t beat up on yourself, you just might be normal.
I like your writing style. You should come write a rant for us and I’ll link your blog.
Don’t worry about that interview. You can do it. Oh, and don’t change the way you write.. it’s perfect the way it is. Good luck!
Fabeo: Thanks- I need all the luck I can get!
twistedsister: I have tried explaining how panic attacks feel to friends and family- but you’re right, unless you have been through one you have no clue. I’ve had two different types of attacks, the first I couldn’t catch my breath, the 2nd and now the most common- I get really sweaty palms and feet, feel shaky, and feel like I have a rapid heartbeat although when I went to the doctor the first time this happened- my heartbeat was normal at 78bpm. Go figure.
Court: Thank you for the encouraging words, some days I think I was born to be a fighter!
John: MIGHT be normal is the key phrase there lol- but you’re right, I do know people who rarely keep in touch with their own siblings- since I’m an only child I can’t understand this, but, they’re still as close as ever when they do get together. And I do have a distorted view- I compare myself to friends I went to high school with and wonder what the heck happened.
Tyrantasaurus: I’ll go look at your site- I just may take you up on that offer!
See my profile on MyBlogLog.com!
Brown Baron: Oh, I don’t plan on changing how I write. If people don’t like it- screw ‘em I say!
Hi Beth, just wanted to let you know I’ve added you to my Technorati’s faves.
Oh, and you’ve been tagged.
The Making of an Internet Entrepreneur: I’ve Been Tagged!
Have a great day!
– Maria
I just wanted to say, when you witness the birth of someones child you usually atleast call to check on them. You have only seen him what 4 or 5 times in 16 months and last time I tried talking to you you said you needed some time to work things through and you would call when you were ready to talk. I honestly don’t know what you expect from me I have always been there for you and I have been through alot myself and I seem all alone alot. You aren’t the only one with problems. Sometimes when I do call or e-mail you either don’t answer or e-mail back, so I feel you want to be left alone. I have been quiet about this long enough but I am finally tired of being made out to be the bad guy. You need to take responsibility for your life and quit blaming it on your past. You are a very smart and determined person and you just need to realize that and quit quitting. After all you are a Turley and we never give up no matter what. There has been many times I felt like giving up but you have to just keep moving forward and don’t look back. The past you can’t change but the future you can make it what you want it to be. You know I am always here for you and i hope this doesn’t make you mad but it had to be said.
Christie
Ok just so people know, the response to my cousin’s comment is going to email because I don’t want to give out names or personal details about my family. I hope everyone understands. And for the recorder- I’m not a quitter and neither is Christie- she’s one of the strongest people I know. I found this out when I was in the delivery room with her and I told her afterwards how much respect and admiration I had for her. She’s the sister I never had and I once thought, (and still do), she felt the same. We grew up living next to each other and each other is all we had.