I decided on a little research due to an incident that happened to me last week. Late in the afternoon one day, I heard a knock at the door. With caution, (since people I know don’t knock, they just barge right in), I look to see who it was-the tree people. The people who cut down trees for the electric company. This nice looking guy, a little beefy, dark hair, dark eyes, asked me if he could spray. Me, being in my “fertile period”- was taken aback- my first thought, “My God yes spray me all you want.” But when he asked if I owned the property over the hill and pointed in the direction, I knew he meant-spray the trees. He said thanks, said something about the spray not being harmful to animals and left. As I closed the door I thought to myself, “Thank goodness I have makeup on and my hair is fixed.” A little while later I walked into the bathroom. And then I saw it. The toothpaste I had gingerly plastered over 2 small pimples on my forehead and chin. I had opened the door to a hunk of a man with toothpaste on my zits. This explained why my come hither charm didn’t work and my fantasy of him coming back to get my phone number never came true. A few google searches later, I have compiled a list of home remedies for us single gals. Be sure to practice said remedies in the middle of the afternoon for the full effect.

1. If you’re gassy, try this: Chew on a small handful of anise, dill, or fennel seeds when you feel bloated. The compounds in these seeds relax the muscles in your digestive tract, which allows trapped gas to pass. You can buy the seeds in the spice aisle of grocery stores or the bulk section of natural food stores. Bonus: They freshen your breath, too. Hey, if you rip a good one, no one will notice since your breath will be nice and minty.
2. Got heartburn? Look like an idiot when the sexy neighbor drops by unexpectedly: You’ll need to find a carpeted area for this heartburn remedy called a heel drop. This sounds strange, but it works. Roll up onto your toes as high as you can, and then allow your heels to quickly drop down onto the ground. Repeat this 20 to 30 times, holding onto the back of a chair for balance if you need to. The downward motion pulls the acid that causes heartburn back into your stomach. You can always tell him you’re strengthening your leg muscles..
3. Is your cootch a little on the dry side? Forget the lube. Do this instead: Vaginal dryness is triggered by a hormone imbalance. Vitamin E oil combined with the herb black cohosh (Cimicifuga racemosa) restores vaginal moisture and tips your hormones back into balance. Simply squeeze the oil from six vitamin E capsules into a small cup, add about 5 teaspoons of black cohosh cream, and stir. Apply the mixture to the inside and outside of your vagina two or three times a day until you find relief.If anyone asks why you’re leaking a black substance, tell them you’re an alien. Men dig alien chicks. I’m sure the chances of oral sex go up with this remedy.
4. Too much yeast got you down? Try this: Ease the maddening itch of a yeast infection with a suppository made with boric acid. Although its name sounds harsh, boric acid acts as a mild antiseptic and has antiviral and antifungal properties. Insert one suppository every night as long as needed. Do not exceed 14 days. If you don’t find the suppositories in your natural food store, ask your pharmacist to make them.Nahh, walking funny means nothing. I would practice this remedy around Halloween if possible. You could then explain to people you plan on dressing up as Morticia Addams and you’re practicing her walk..
5. More pimples? Forget the minty fresh toothpaste approach: Rub fresh garlic on and around pimples. Pimples will disappear without a mark with regular applications.Explanation to other folks? You’re ridding the world of vampires.
6. The disease itself certainly isn’t a laughing matter, but I found this little “remedy” a bit difficult to imagine: Genital Herpes–Don’t touch. Although the disease is called genital herpes, it is possible to pass the virus to other parts of the body by touching an open sore and then bringing your fingers into contact with, say, your mouth or eyes. For this reason, it is important not to touch your sores. If you think you might scratch at night, cover your sores with protective, breathable material such as gauze, she says.If I touched my cootch to this extent overnight, enough to need to wrap it in gauze, why would I even need a man?

Print the list out, gals. It’s imperative we practice each and every one, not only for good health and general comfort, but to assure the world we’ll be single-forever.

Don’t forget to visit my renter. He’s a dude. Don’t forget the toothpaste when you knock on his door.